Thursday, September 18, 2008

Every Reason Not To

I fell apart tonight; shattered, however, might be a better word. In a matter of an hour or two, I went from feeling great to feeling like if the world fell apart all around me that I wouldn’t do a thing but watch. On the outside, I probably seem fine to those I see at school, but on the inside, I’ve already started to chip and crack. In fact, I usually feel like I’m running a race that I can’t run anymore. But tonight, I bawled and wept because it seems as though nothing has really changed and my efforts to please God have fallen short. I read my Bible openly, but the words do not resonate; I lift my voice to God to offer Him my meager thanksgivings, praises and requests, but they fall on deaf ears. So when I’m burning inside with this desire that can not be fulfilled or be taken away, I am left with unrest and bitterness. And now, at the breaking point of my own sorrows, I realize that I have not heard the voice of God or seen any direction in my greatest of needs for too long of a time. I do what I can with a broken heart – I’ve waited, hurried-up, been loud and also silent, but nothing seems to penetrate this wall that separates.

These feelings – I know – are not from God. Unwillingly though, I have been forced to engage in spiritual warfare with only my weakest stance to defend myself. With whatever is nearby, I have armed myself – and brace for the impact. The strength that comes against me is too beyond overpowering, and the “battle” – if it could be called that – is lost. While on the ground, I am bruised, broken and shattered, and very unwilling to rise up to my feet – wondering if it’s worth trying anymore.

A good friend of mine wrote:

Real faith to me is not just the faith that gets you through a college class nor just the faith to withstand a broken heart. Real faith to me is the faith that keeps you walking when every thing you thought was going to be there is not and the only light is God and He is all you are running to. Through the snow and ice of life he remains the center of your sight. Faith that makes you stand even though you have every reason not to.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to live this out, but despite my pessimism, my mentality, and my most recent strings of failure, I can’t deny in my heart – no, my soul – that these words must be true. So, as I am still lying face-down in agony of my defeat, still tasting the blood in my mouth, I know that I must find the faith to rise, and, as appropriately worded, stand again, even though I think I have every reason not to.

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