I’m sorry that over these past few months that I have been so lost and unable to follow Your will. Even though You are deserving of it, my heart has had a difficult time giving it away without clear evidence. Looking back at my walk since last January, I realize that my personal time with You suffered greatly and I justified the backsliding through the great small group meetings that I was co-leading. And please don’t take that the wrong way, because I truly did learn more than even I ever expected. But the evidence that my intimate relationship with You was breaking up was clearly shown by how many times I willfully fell back into the sin that I swore I wouldn’t fall back into. Because You still loved me, You guarded my reputation among those who respected me more than I respected myself by bringing me into a difficult repentance after school had ended. Through humility and unnecessary struggle, I relearned the basics all over again – like when I was seventeen, discovering who You were for the first time. After I had taken some effort, I felt closer to You. It’s not to say that those sins stopped overnight either. They did, however, decrease in frequency and you were proud of me for putting it away, and seemed not to care at all that this was probably the third or fourth time that You’ve helped me do this; You love me unconditionally. And before I knew it, something beautiful starting happening – my sin was no more! Suddenly, I was clean and stayed clean and blameless in your sight for weeks at a time, despite the other circumstances that were going on around me were not favorable in my eyes. So thank you for rescuing and redeeming me once again. I couldn’t have done it without You.
But as you know already, it hasn’t even been a full month and I messed up again. It was different this time around, because I felt Your presence afterwards – a perfect blend of consoling, yet stern. Strange though, how quickly and eager You were to forgive me, even before I had fully repented of my wrongdoing. So to make sure that I am right again in your eyes, let this letter serve as documentation of my complete repentance and be considered worthy in Your sight. In fact, as I write this I realize that it needs to be more. I want this to be further proof of my love for You, and I want to put off this sin, once and for all. Of course, only You know for certain if this will be the last time, but I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure it is. (Although I truly know that my power comes directly from Yours.) I trust that You are my only hope, and I pray that You will deliver me from myself. And although I am well aware that I don’t deserve it, please guide me in a way that I could repay the debt I owe. More than anything else, I want to feel alive again and spread the word to everyone that You are Lord and You alone are Good. Put this motivation back into my heart if You see it fit. And if I am not fit for that role, I’ve learned from You that if I am patient enough, eventually it will happen – but a can rest assured that it will be in a lot less time that it took for me to finally come to You – completely.
Your Ever-Learning Son